I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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