I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
