I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
