Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
