Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
