is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
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How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
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Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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