I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
