wanna go halves on a baby?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
