Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
