Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
