Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
