I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
