So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
