I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
