anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
