first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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