Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
