I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
