You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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