I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
