my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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