I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
