I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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