I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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