The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
