piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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