Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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