Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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