TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
