I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
