I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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