Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
