You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
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I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
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Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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