rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Randomize
