I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
