She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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