i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
This is my gift to your gina
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
