Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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