That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
