FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
