theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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