Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
