I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷ðŸ»â€â™€ï¸
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