youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
