if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
