Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
