that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Where are you guys?
Drunk
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
