the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
