Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
