i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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