You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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