well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
