Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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