Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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