lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
