Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Randomize
