i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
