Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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