im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
my liver is dry heaving
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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