You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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