dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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