My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
